My previous post alluded to the fact that while I've gotten a handle on actually eating, my exercise levels have increased in order to compensate for the increased intake. I really wanted to nip this in the bud, since I could sense it might spiral out of control and so this week during my CBT therapy session with the amazing Zoe, I told her about this and we decided we would try and do something about it.
We made a list of ALL the exercise I do in a week and grouped each session in 2 categories:
1) Exercise done because I want to keep fit and healthy
2) Exercise done purely to burn calories to create a deficit to enable me to eat guilt free.
Then the challenge was set - I was allowed to do the exercise in category 1, sticking to the durations we agreed on (i.e. not extended gym session to compensate) but any exercise sessions which came under category 2 were forbidden. And I had to follow my meal plan. Eek. Then next week we will look at my weight, to see if it's changed and look at the food and exercise diary I'm keeping for the week to see how I got on.
So, I started out well on Thursday and Friday - I did my prescribed exercise but missed a couple of snacks. Then came the weekend. Phil and I had decided to go into Manchester to celebrate his birthday (which wasn't until Monday, today, but thought it'd be nice to celebrate at the weekend when we had time and weren't at work....). The celebrations involved a meal at a pizza restaurant, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I couldn't manage dessert, but I did have a few mouthfuls of the dessert Phil chose (Sticky Toffee Pudding, one of my all time favourites). I was sat there watching him eat it and hating Ed - I would have loved to have had one, but all the while, this little voice was chattering away, saying I'd get really fat if I ate that, that I had faaaaar more self control than Phil by opting out of dessert and that therefore I was better than him - blahdiblahdiblah. Of course, the rational part of me was sat there thinking ' Hang on a mo - Phil has more control over his food than I do since he's happily nomming away on his pud without worrying about gaining weight'. Grr. But, I was pleased to have managed the pizza and to have enjoyed it. Without too much guilt afterwards.
One thing I have noticed is that doing the challenges e.g. eating a fear food, cutting back on exercise, isn't too bad. The build up is anxiety inducing 'what will happen?', the aftermath is terrifying 'oh god, I'm just enormous' but in the moment, I feel brave and strong when challenging myself - and of course disobeying Ed. Dealing with the guilt after is the hardest part.
Anyway, back to the rest of the weekend. We make a mean lasagne. It is the best lasagne in the whole world (well, in our opinion). I had agreed with Phil when he suggested that we make lasagne this weekend, despite the fact that we were eating out AND I was cutting my exercise down. We usually have it over 2 consecutive nights - this would have been Sun and Mon this week. However, we'd agreed to compromise since I think I would have found that a challenge too far and we'd have 1/2 on Sunday, 1/2 on Tuesday and something else on Monday.
Sunday evening was slightly interesting in that I was doing my food and exercise diary for Sunday and Monday (i.e. reviewing what I'd eaten and done in terms of exercise on Sunday and planning what to eat/do for exercise on Monday). I do this with Phil to be open and honest and so he knows if there's any deviation from the diary/plan it's purely to burn calories (if there's extra exercise) or to restrict (if there's a missed snack). To cut a long story short, he got in a bit of a muddle about the proposed exercise plan and it sent me into a huge panic - What if I'd gotten it wrong? What if I was actually dropping my exercise levels more than I thought I was? Oh god, I'm going to put on about 5kg before the weigh in on Wednesday. Arghhhhh. I had gotten myself into such a state, despite Phil explaining it was he who had gotten confused, that I threw away my full fat yoghurt (which is my usual Sunday night treat) and changed it for a smaller, 0% fat one. Ed - 1 Sarah 0. I still can't fathom why I did that, even on reflection. A need for control? To show Phil that 'look what you've done, you've made me turn to Ed with your confusion'? I don't know....
But, today, Monday, is where the struggles really start. I usually go for a 3-4 mile run on a Monday morning, and this falls into a category 2 exercise session so this week is prohibited. Of course, after pizza followed by lasagne I woke up feeling huge. Part of me knows this is probably just bloating caused by pasta and pizza, but of course Ed planted the seeds of doubt 'well of course it's because you've eaten like a gannet and missed your exercise so haven't burned enough calories' Hmm. So, I have struggled this morning to eat my meals to time, I'm thinking of missing snacks and I feel so disgusting in my body that I want to rip my stomach off, just to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings. But, here's what I'm doing to try and push through this phase:
1) Telling myself feelings aren't facts - there's no evidence that I've put on any weight, and even if I have, it's not really noticeable as my clothes still fit me
2) I have had an enjoyable weekend and have had nice food - and that is allowed.
3) I feel less tired for not getting up so early this morning, and for taking it slightly easier over the weekend.
I am trying so hard to focus on the positives. But, all of a sudden, when I think I'm doing OK, the little buzzing noise starts and then the doubts creep in. Phew, this is tough. But I'm hoping the fight will be worth it. I am actually quite intrigued as to the results of this behavioural experiment (even though it's to do with my weight)! Part of me wonders if I'd be doing better with this weeks challenge if I wasn't getting weighed. Right now, as I said, my current clothes still fit, and that's fine. If my weight has gone up, it'll really cause me to panic, even if it's 500g and despite the fact that the weight gain isn't noticeable. Which doesn't make any sense. Getting weighed seems to give Ed more fuel, he tells me I need to stay at the same weight (or less) than the previous week or I've failed. Maybe I should stop being so fixated on the numbers on the scale and on how letting go and being free makes me feel : alive....
No comments:
Post a Comment