Well, today has been quite an intense day in terms of recovery. Exercise bulimia is another facet of my ED that I need to tackle. Since the start of 2011 (at least, this regime may have been going on for months previously, but I just can't remember in exact detail just how long this has been weekly grind) my weekly exercise regime has consisted of the following:
Monday – Rest day (well, a 30-45 min brisk walk, but that doesn’t really count in Ed's eyes as exercise)
Tuesday – 45 min spin class (at 7am) followed by a 45 minute run on the treadmill , 15 minutes on the cross trainer and 20 minutes of weight training/abs
Wednesday – 1.5 hour dog walk (with hills at a fast pace) and a 1 hour circuit class
Thursday – 12 mile bike ride around Macclesfield Forest (before work) then a 45 minute Zumba class in the evening and 20 minutes of weight training/abs
Friday – Rest day (30-45 min brisk walk again)
Saturday – 1.5 hours in the gym (mix of 1 hr cardio and 30 mins weights/abs)
Sunday – 1-2 hours dog walk (with hills, at a fast pace)
When I first started attending the Priory daycare, the nurses said they were exhausted just listening to me describe my weekly activity levels, and the fact that I wasn’t fuelling my body with enough calories to sustain me. So, from the outset I had to drop my exercise levels AND increase my energy intake. That was quite tough, but I managed to drop the following from my regime:
Tuesday – 45 min run on treadmill post spin (however this was replaced with an extra 30 mins on the cross trainer)
Saturday – 1.5 hours in the gym turned into a 1-2 hour walk with Jackson
The funny thing is, is that I thought that this was a massive change. Writing about it now and looking at what I've written, I can see it was Ed who was saying the change was enormous and the logical part of Sarah’s brain can see it’s not a huge change in the grand scheme of things. But still, it was a change for the better, dropping the exercise level to move in a positive direction(let’s not discount the positives)!
And so for the past 8 weeks I have been religiously following my new routine and diet plan but getting more and more paranoid about deviations from my routine and potential for weight gain (but not seeing any evidence of this at my weekly weigh ins). The difference this week is : I have started back at work, so I no longer have as much time to ‘devote’ to my exercise regime - without it squeezing everything else (late into work, missing catch ups with friends family etc; you see, I have to plan any get togethers around my food times and exercise plan). Last night, I had to discuss with Phil how this morning was going to work (we car share since we work at the same place) in terms of me doing my extra weights and cross trainer etc in the gym following the spin class. So, I told him what I was planning to do (my usual) and he said that was ok. Then I said “Are you mad with me for doing this?”
Why did I ask that? I think part of me knew it was a huge imposition to ask him to wait around for an hour while I went and burned calories for no other reason than for creating a calorie deficit for the day so I could eat guilt free. He doesn't feel the need to do the extra, he sees the spin class as more than an adequate an amount of exercise. I am coming round to that way of thinking. Ed however does not see things like this and views any deviation from the plan as a failure or cheating or a disaster since it’ll inevitably lead to weight gain, which is not what he wants. Which in turn, makes me believe that it’ll all be a catastrophe, since I’m not yet totally resilient enough to ignore his constant paranoya-inducing voice.
I digress. Phil's main response to my question was 'Well, it will make us later into work" and I just got the sense from his tone that he wasn't really that impressed with the plan. So, I kind of just blew up - and told him that it was fine, that I'd not do any extra cardio on the cross trainer and that I'd just do spin and weights and just overwhelm myself with a big change and that I'd just turn into a whale. Hence the resulting inner turmoil. I realise that for the past god knows how many months all I've been doing is delaying the inevitable (weight gain/restoration) and playing right into Ed's hands. But Ed was telling me every time I woke up during the night panicking about the impending change in routine that I'd just turn into an enormous mess. The relationship between myself and Phil became very strained - he had finally challenged Ed, spoken the truth and that hurt him (Ed) and made him so angry with Phil, which came out through me. (I think). See, I'm not sure at this moment in time if I'm mad or if I'm channelling Ed's anger.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I did indeed manage to just spin and do weights and not restrict my food intake to compensate for the reduction in exercise. Ok, that's a bit of a white lie - I've intentionally missed 2 snacks to try and compensate a little. The actual not doing the cardio was fine. The hardest bit has been dealing with the feelings afterwards. The anxiety I've had all day surrounding this has been so incredibly strong. I feel really good and proud of myself for challenging and disobeying Ed, and examining my motivation behind the extra cardio sessions I've been doing, but it doesn't detract from the fear I have. Hector and Dory (more on them in another post) are trying to reassure me that it'll be ok, that things won't spiral out of control and that any weight gain will be negligible, since I'm active most of the time. But with Ed playing on my insecurities (this reduction in exercise is a major trip into unchartered waters) I'm having trouble believing either of them, or the logical part of Sarah's brain.
This is the second major facing up to fears I've done in as many months and it's quite overwhelming, the first one being having to eat more. Having to sit with the feeling of guilt all day has been really challenging. But, I am going to keep telling myself that the next time I don't do my extra cardio, it won't be as bad as today- because I've faced that fear before. It'll get easier each time I do it. I hope. I guess this is going to have to go into my portfolio of evidence against Ed. He tells me I'm going to pile weight on for dropping this session. I am going to have to see what the scales read over the next month or 2, to determine if he's telling the truth. (Although I suspect he might be lying - just a hunch... ;))
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