A week of change......

My previous post alluded to the fact that while I've gotten a handle on actually eating, my exercise levels have increased in order to compensate for the increased intake. I really wanted to nip this in the bud, since I could sense it might spiral out of control and so this week during my CBT therapy session with the amazing Zoe, I told her about this and we decided we would try and do something about it.

We made a list of ALL the exercise I do in a week and grouped each session in 2 categories:
1) Exercise done because I want to keep fit and healthy
2) Exercise done purely to burn calories to create a deficit to enable me to eat guilt free.

Then the challenge was set - I was allowed to do the exercise in category 1, sticking to the durations we agreed on (i.e. not extended gym session to compensate) but any exercise sessions which came under category 2 were forbidden. And I had to follow my meal plan. Eek. Then next week we will look at my weight, to see if it's changed and look at the food and exercise diary I'm keeping for the week to see how I got on.

So, I started out well on Thursday and Friday - I did my prescribed exercise but missed a couple of snacks. Then came the weekend. Phil and I had decided to go into Manchester to celebrate his birthday (which wasn't until Monday, today, but thought it'd be nice to celebrate at the weekend when we had time and weren't at work....). The celebrations involved a meal at a pizza restaurant, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I couldn't manage dessert, but I did have a few mouthfuls of the dessert Phil chose (Sticky Toffee Pudding, one of my all time favourites). I was sat there watching him eat it and hating Ed - I would have loved to have had one, but all the while, this little voice was chattering away, saying I'd get really fat if I ate that, that I had faaaaar more self control than Phil by opting out of dessert and that therefore I was better than him - blahdiblahdiblah. Of course, the rational part of me was sat there thinking ' Hang on a mo - Phil has more control over his food than I do since he's happily nomming away on his pud without worrying about gaining weight'. Grr. But, I was pleased to have managed the pizza and to have enjoyed it. Without too much guilt afterwards.

One thing I have noticed is that doing the challenges e.g. eating a fear food, cutting back on exercise, isn't too bad. The build up is anxiety inducing 'what will happen?', the aftermath is terrifying 'oh god, I'm just enormous' but in the moment, I feel brave and strong when challenging myself - and of course disobeying Ed. Dealing with the guilt after is the hardest part.

Anyway, back to the rest of the weekend. We make a mean lasagne. It is the best lasagne in the whole world (well, in our opinion). I had agreed with Phil when he suggested that we make lasagne this weekend, despite the fact that we were eating out AND I was cutting my exercise down. We usually have it over 2 consecutive nights - this would have been Sun and Mon this week. However, we'd agreed to compromise since I think I would have found that a challenge too far and we'd have 1/2 on Sunday, 1/2 on Tuesday and something else on Monday.

Sunday evening was slightly interesting in that I was doing my food and exercise diary for Sunday and Monday (i.e. reviewing what I'd eaten and done in terms of exercise on Sunday and planning what to eat/do for exercise on Monday). I do this with Phil to be open and honest and so he knows if there's any deviation from the diary/plan it's purely to burn calories (if there's extra exercise) or to restrict (if there's a missed snack). To cut a long story short, he got in a bit of a muddle about the proposed exercise plan and it sent me into a huge panic - What if I'd gotten it wrong? What if I was actually dropping my exercise levels more than I thought I was? Oh god, I'm going to put on about 5kg before the weigh in on Wednesday. Arghhhhh. I had gotten myself into such a state, despite Phil explaining it was he who had gotten confused, that I threw away my full fat yoghurt (which is my usual Sunday night treat) and changed it for a smaller, 0% fat one. Ed - 1 Sarah 0. I still can't fathom why I did that, even on reflection. A need for control? To show Phil that 'look what you've done, you've made me turn to Ed with your confusion'? I don't know....

But, today, Monday, is where the struggles really start. I usually go for a 3-4 mile run on a Monday morning, and this falls into a category 2 exercise session so this week is prohibited. Of course, after pizza followed by lasagne I woke up feeling huge. Part of me knows this is probably just bloating caused by pasta and pizza, but of course Ed planted the seeds of doubt 'well of course it's because you've eaten like a gannet and missed your exercise so haven't burned enough calories' Hmm. So, I have struggled this morning to eat my meals to time, I'm thinking of missing snacks and I feel so disgusting in my body that I want to rip my stomach off, just to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings. But, here's what I'm doing to try and push through this phase:

1) Telling myself feelings aren't facts - there's no evidence that I've put on any weight, and even if I have, it's not really noticeable as my clothes still fit me
2) I have had an enjoyable weekend and have had nice food - and that is allowed.
3) I feel less tired for not getting up so early this morning, and for taking it slightly easier over the weekend.

I am trying so hard to focus on the positives. But, all of a sudden, when I think I'm doing OK, the little buzzing noise starts and then the doubts creep in. Phew, this is tough. But I'm hoping the fight will be worth it. I am actually quite intrigued as to the results of this behavioural experiment (even though it's to do with my weight)! Part of me wonders if I'd be doing better with this weeks challenge if I wasn't getting weighed. Right now, as I said, my current clothes still fit, and that's fine. If my weight has gone up, it'll really cause me to panic, even if it's 500g and despite the fact that the weight gain isn't noticeable. Which doesn't make any sense. Getting weighed seems to give Ed more fuel, he tells me I need to stay at the same weight (or less) than the previous week or I've failed. Maybe I should stop being so fixated on the numbers on the scale and on how letting go and being free makes me feel : alive....

Dropping out of the cardio zone...

Well, today has been quite an intense day in terms of recovery. Exercise bulimia is another facet of my ED that I need to tackle. Since the start of 2011 (at least, this regime may have been going on for months previously, but I just can't remember in exact detail just how long this has been weekly grind) my weekly exercise regime has consisted of the following:

Monday – Rest day (well, a 30-45 min brisk walk, but that doesn’t really count in Ed's eyes as exercise)

Tuesday – 45 min spin class (at 7am) followed by a 45 minute run on the treadmill , 15 minutes on the cross trainer and 20 minutes of weight training/abs

Wednesday – 1.5 hour dog walk (with hills at a fast pace) and a 1 hour circuit class

Thursday – 12 mile bike ride around Macclesfield Forest (before work) then a 45 minute Zumba class in the evening and 20 minutes of weight training/abs

Friday – Rest day (30-45 min brisk walk again)

Saturday – 1.5 hours in the gym (mix of 1 hr cardio and 30 mins weights/abs)

Sunday – 1-2 hours dog walk (with hills, at a fast pace)

When I first started attending the Priory daycare, the nurses said they were exhausted just listening to me describe my weekly activity levels, and the fact that I wasn’t fuelling my body with enough calories to sustain me. So, from the outset I had to drop my exercise levels AND increase my energy intake. That was quite tough, but I managed to drop the following from my regime:

Tuesday – 45 min run on treadmill post spin (however this was replaced with an extra 30 mins on the cross trainer)

Saturday – 1.5 hours in the gym turned into a 1-2 hour walk with Jackson

The funny thing is, is that I thought that this was a massive change. Writing about it now and looking at what I've written, I can see it was Ed who was saying the change was enormous and the logical part of Sarah’s brain can see it’s not a huge change in the grand scheme of things. But still, it was a change for the better, dropping the exercise level to move in a positive direction(let’s not discount the positives)!

And so for the past 8 weeks I have been religiously following my new routine and diet plan but getting more and more paranoid about deviations from my routine and potential for weight gain (but not seeing any evidence of this at my weekly weigh ins). The difference this week is : I have started back at work, so I no longer have as much time to ‘devote’ to my exercise regime - without it squeezing everything else (late into work, missing catch ups with friends family etc; you see, I have to plan any get togethers around my food times and exercise plan). Last night, I had to discuss with Phil how this morning was going to work (we car share since we work at the same place) in terms of me doing my extra weights and cross trainer etc in the gym following the spin class. So, I told him what I was planning to do (my usual) and he said that was ok. Then I said “Are you mad with me for doing this?”

Why did I ask that? I think part of me knew it was a huge imposition to ask him to wait around for an hour while I went and burned calories for no other reason than for creating a calorie deficit for the day so I could eat guilt free. He doesn't feel the need to do the extra, he sees the spin class as more than an adequate an amount of exercise. I am coming round to that way of thinking. Ed however does not see things like this and views any deviation from the plan as a failure or cheating or a disaster since it’ll inevitably lead to weight gain, which is not what he wants. Which in turn, makes me believe that it’ll all be a catastrophe, since I’m not yet totally resilient enough to ignore his constant paranoya-inducing voice.

I digress. Phil's main response to my question was 'Well, it will make us later into work" and I just got the sense from his tone that he wasn't really that impressed with the plan. So, I kind of just blew up - and told him that it was fine, that I'd not do any extra cardio on the cross trainer and that I'd just do spin and weights and just overwhelm myself with a big change and that I'd just turn into a whale. Hence the resulting inner turmoil. I realise that for the past god knows how many months all I've been doing is delaying the inevitable (weight gain/restoration) and playing right into Ed's hands. But Ed was telling me every time I woke up during the night panicking about the impending change in routine that I'd just turn into an enormous mess. The relationship between myself and Phil became very strained - he had finally challenged Ed, spoken the truth and that hurt him (Ed) and made him so angry with Phil, which came out through me. (I think). See, I'm not sure at this moment in time if I'm mad or if I'm channelling Ed's anger.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I did indeed manage to just spin and do weights and not restrict my food intake to compensate for the reduction in exercise. Ok, that's a bit of a white lie - I've intentionally missed 2 snacks to try and compensate a little. The actual not doing the cardio was fine. The hardest bit has been dealing with the feelings afterwards. The anxiety I've had all day surrounding this has been so incredibly strong. I feel really good and proud of myself for challenging and disobeying Ed, and examining my motivation behind the extra cardio sessions I've been doing, but it doesn't detract from the fear I have. Hector and Dory (more on them in another post) are trying to reassure me that it'll be ok, that things won't spiral out of control and that any weight gain will be negligible, since I'm active most of the time. But with Ed playing on my insecurities (this reduction in exercise is a major trip into unchartered waters) I'm having trouble believing either of them, or the logical part of Sarah's brain.

This is the second major facing up to fears I've done in as many months and it's quite overwhelming, the first one being having to eat more. Having to sit with the feeling of guilt all day has been really challenging. But, I am going to keep telling myself that the next time I don't do my extra cardio, it won't be as bad as today- because I've faced that fear before. It'll get easier each time I do it. I hope. I guess this is going to have to go into my portfolio of evidence against Ed. He tells me I'm going to pile weight on for dropping this session. I am going to have to see what the scales read over the next month or 2, to determine if he's telling the truth. (Although I suspect he might be lying - just a hunch... ;))